It's so hard to start...

I find the hardest thing is to START and stay consistent.  I keep thinking that the only way I can truly change is by STICKING to the plan.  I think this has to be more about a lifestyle change and not a quick fix to my health problems.  There's a great objective here:  Being healthy to have a baby.  My PCOS cannot be cured, but at least I can reduce the severity of some my symptoms and this will improve my chances. 

I've always been a little overweight and I've only had a few times in my life that I could call myself skinny.  This would be: the summer I was 18 and the year I was 21---the only times I was actually slim.  After I got married I gained a lot of weight...like 50 lbs in a 2 yr span.  I would say some of it was wishful thinking that the extra pounds could mean "pregnancy", but this was really naive of me.  My comfort "eating" was just me being stressed.  So, the weight kept piling on...an average of 10 lbs a year.  The only time I had some significant weight loss was...wow...I think it was 7 years ago when I lost 15 lbs after a regimen of running 3 times a week and juicing a few times a week.  So, any time I have ever lost significant weight it has been with a combo of diet change and exercise increase. 

I did some necessary changes to my daily schedule, so I have more time to concentrate on priorities....one of them being my health.  So, today I went for a 40 min walk and ate an apple.  That's my effort for today...hope to repeat tomorrow. Let this be this be the beginning of sticking to the plan!!! 

The gyno and GNC

I went to the gyno back in July...this was visit #2 and she did an ultrasound on me to take a better look at my ovaries.  She said my uterus looked good and only one of my ovaries looked kind of abnormal.  It had an unusual mass to it.  After some testing it was determined that the  ovary's cystic mass was benign, so nothing to be scared about.  I was supposed to go visit the Dr. again at the end of August, but because of my change in employment I was not covered by insurance at the time. So, I've not rescheduled and really I just don't know when I will.  I get pretty stressed out this time of year with school (my grad studies).  So, I will more than likely postpone an appointment till December or January when there's more time.  It's not good that I postpone these appointments, especially since the one I missed was about putting me on meds for my PCOS.  I was on Metformin back in 2007 and 2008, but then I stopped taking it after my prescription ran out.  You would think filling a prescription wouldn't be so difficult for me.  But, between changing jobs and changing insurance companies-- I found it discouraging to try to fix in another appointment just to get a refill.  I also felt discouraged about other things in my life and this made me not care about keeping up with my meds.

I know I have problems with my female plumbing... The Dr. talked about doing some minor surgery in the near future: drilling into my ovaries in order to jumpstart ovulation.  I don't really like the idea of any sort of surgery ...even though doctors can put on a plastic smile and tell you that this the best course of action.  I have to admit that I am skeptical about doing such a surgery...for me it's a last resort.  I rather try meds or even changing my diet if that can be just as effective.  The doctor said doing this surgery would make me ovulate for awhile...but then eventually they'd have to do it again.  So, is that a good thing?  I really don't want to mess with my inside plumbing and possibly make it worse.  There's always resorting to taking The Pill,  to make me ovulate...but The Pill is a catch-22.  It'll make me ovulate, but I won't be able to get pregnant if I'm on it.

I went to GNC (you know that health store in the mall) in late August and I wanted to buy some Wheatgrass pills or juice...I had read online that Wheatgrass has many restorative health attributes...some of them being to treat infertility, fatigue, and improve your overall vitality.  So, I was excited about trying Wheatgrass, but the GNC store didn't have a specific product that was just Wheatgrass...they had some variations.  The GNC lady I talked to, tried selling me some Probiotic products and told me the importance of detoxing and taking vitamins.  She was really big taking vitamin D.  Well, I figure I probably need to really detox...but I wasn't about to buy something blindly without doing research to see if it was worth the money and if it was something that would help me.  I suppose in the quest for health, there are two camps that people pursue: medical or natural (or quasi-natural). I realize its either doctors or health store salesman,  but both are peddling meds of different sorts...on one hand you have doctors eager to prescribe any pharmeceutical to you or you have health store salesmen trying to entice you into purchasing vitamins, elixirs, or some other combo detox package.  It's hard to know what's right.  I really want to try alternative medicine...something non-toxic and natural that will actually heal me.  I don't need a chemical cocktail to temporarily mask my symptoms and give me false hope on the baby frontier.

As for the pursuit of Wheatgrass and its miraculous powers, it's on a shelf of my "To do" list of things to do.  So, in other words...it'll be awhile before I look into again.  You see, I'm pursuing other things at the moment....trying to juggle work and school.  Unfortunately, "health" is taking a backseat, but it's always on my mind.

Try, try, try again

Hi, well...I'm not really consistent with blogging.  But, I really wanted to get back to this...my blog.  I've renamed it "Pursuing Clear Obvious Skies"  simply because I'm poetic and I didn't want this blog to always feel the weight of those intials: PCOS.  I want to talk about the ups and downs of dealing with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  But, I also want it to chronicle how it affects my life and how & what I'm doing to pursue those dreams of mine.  Those dreams of being a mom which I think are still attainable but which will include a tremendous amount of discipline and luck for me to change my health habits and be more proactive about it. 

I feel I need peace from this overwhelming, constricting feeling that I feel everyday....Regret, regret, regret.  There are things I cannot change...mainly the past.  But, my future is yet unwritten and dreams can become a reality only if I pursue them diligently and faithfully.  What does this mean?  It means I need to buckle down...and truly diet and exercise per my condition.  Limit eating carbs... oh, how I love my potatoes!  But, instead indulge in veggies I do like: crisp cucumbers and delicious tomatoes. 

I've read tons of books about PCOS, dieting, and infertility and they all seem to tell me the same thing.  But, what they don't address is: emotional eating (aka comfort foods), limited budgets (I can't buy the multitude of ingredients for lavish "skinny" salads), and isolation (lack of a buddy system).  I am seeking a circle of support, but a more personalized one.  I feeling the blogosphere is where it's at in terms of a more personalized and genuine interaction.  Yes, I know about a few great websites such as : http://www.soulcysters.com/ and http://www.pcoschallenge.com/ .  Even though, I can read a lot about what others go through in their coping of PCOS on these online forums, I want my own voice in my own space.  I want to be heard...I want to write down my thoughts much like journal entries.  I want there to be a record of MY experience as part of this select group of women who have PCOS.  This is Elisa's experience ---> Pursuing Clear Obvious Skies.  Because, doesn't everyone want a sunny outlook on life...that's obvious. 

Many of us pursue the neat package: love, marriage, children.  But, unfortunately life is not so straightforward...many of us encounter detours, "road construction", and misleading ramps off the highway of life.  I believe we all try to get back on that fast track to our dreams...but some give up hope, while others try, try, try again.