The Sometimes Sinking Ship of Self Worth

Possibly the hardest thing for me is feeling good about myself.  I know everyone goes through this tug of war of the ego.  Some are better at it than others. These are the people who thrive being in the spotlight.  You know these people.  They always look sharp, put together, and usually have a smile on their face.  They exude confidence like they know what they are doing 100% of the time (actually no, but they are good at hiding anything bad, and are good at handling things under pressure).  These are people who are extremely busy but who look great and who look like they are fulfilled with their lives, appear to be disciplined, seem to have balance in their life (like they probably write lists, have a planner, and even have their free time scheduled-- yeah, these would be organized people).  Then, you have the flipside: some people are sinking ships.  You can spot these people a mile away.  It's all about details. They look defeated; they frown, they look like the world is collapsing on their shoulders.  If we are talking about women, it's usually a woman with no make-up, no real hair style, clothes just slapped on, and not trying to look like anything really.  Think woman in sweat pants, T-shirt, and flip-flops--- this image is screaming a few things like "I don't care," "Don't look at me," "Life sucks", "I have no time for myself," "I feel ugly,"  "No one loves me."  Honestly, you might think that this is just a woman who is too busy....Well... No, that's not necessarily true. This is the image of a woman who is avoiding herself and is battling some inner turmoil.  Lots of people in this position are in denial of what's happening to themselves. 

I remember the year I started gaining a lot of weight.  In 2000, I had been married for a year, I lived in an apartment I loathed that hideous dark wood paneling, I worked at a job that I thought was beneath my intelligence, I couldn't figure out how to get ahead in life without stressing out...a lot.  I was very disappointed in life because it wasn't what I had pictured it to be.  It was too hard!!!  I felt overwhelmed.  I was terrified.  There were a lot of stressors in my life and food was my consolation.  So, that year I ate of lot of pizzas, fast food, cookies, and copious amounts of soda.  My weight ballooned about 30 pounds in less than a year.  I have never since been able to lose it.  But, I do remember my frame of mind during that time in my life...I didn't care about myself.  All my priorities were focused on getting through the day, or the week; because life was the hardest it had ever been for me.  Harder than any semester of college (because college had been fun and carefree in comparison).  I only had hope, faith, and my youth (I was in my 20s)--- these were a few things that kept me afloat throughout my moments of emotional frustration.  But, the real life saver at the time was that I loved my husband very much and that love saved me most days.  Love can help us get through most things.  But, my main problem was myself.  I didn't like who I had become:  a fat, unsuccessful person (or at least that is how I felt). When you dislike yourself, you try avoiding yourself by ignoring your needs. 

By the summer of 2000, I could not fit into any of my pants or jeans.  And like any woman, admitting that she's gone up a size or two is like going to HELL.  It's much much worse when you've entered a size bracket you've never been in before.  It's unknown territory; the wild west of clothing: the PLUS sizes!!  It's kinda like entering one of the levels of Dante's inferno.  Seriously.  You go through major denial and feel extreme embarrassment of having reached this personal failure.  I know this because the summer of 2000 I was in a job where I could dress very casual.  I wore dark green sweatpant cut-offs almost EVERY single day.  Ewww.  Yes, I know it was pathetic.  I actually cut an actual pair of sweats I owned.  I didn't even have the decency (to my co-workers and our clients) or courage (admitting the ugly truth of my weight gain) to buy a new pair of shorts or pants for work.  I couldn't accept that I had gone up two sizes.   The reality was too much to bear.  I avoided people I knew as if I had the plague.  Except my plague was called obesity and I was extremely ashamed of what had happened to me.  No amount of black clothing can hide the fact that you have gained a lot of weight. 

Lately, I have been thinking about my own self-worth, because I realize I have come a long way since the summer of 2000 when I sunk to the pits of self-loathing.  The other day a new friend of mine said, "I've never met anyone who is so blasé about their weight.  You call yourself fat and you are okay with it."  The difference is I've accepted myself and I value my self-worth.  Also, 10+ years have gone by, numerous other life changes have occurred (i.e. divorce, jobs, etc), and being a more established adult:  I don't feel like I'm sinking anymore.  I think it's important for people to care about themselves.  And it's not selfish.  It's healthy to care about yourself.  By giving ourselves some "me" time, we are keeping ourselves sane.  How many people suffer from depresssion, anxiety, or some other stressed mental state??  Too many. In my darkest moments, I nicknamed myself "Gloom and Doom sister."  For those of you who know me personally you will understand what this means.  I remember wearing the darkest, drabbest clothes that could hide me.  I remember going to meetings or events, and sitting in the back or near to the closest exit.  I was avoiding people, but worst of all I was avoiding life.  It was an incredibly hard time for me.  What I needed most were friends and I did the opposite by isolating myself from others.  I won't go into details of what was happening, but you know when you feel like a failure.  You'd rather be invisible to others.  Right now, I have risen above the self-loathing I used to have.  I feel much better about myself and it shows.  People have told me I look happier than before and the ones who knew me from oh-so-long ago say I look more like my old self.  And I haven't lost any weight, I've just rediscovered a very important part of myself.  Welcome back, Self-Worth. 


Each one of us has self-worth, but fear and lies make our self-worth sink.  That's why we are sinking when we have this heavy anchor of fear and self-loathing pulling us down.  The Ship of Self-Worth is manned at the helm by two captains.  When the ship is sinking, the Captain of Lies is steering us into feeling inadequate.  It is that voice in our head that heckles us when motivation is lacking and convincingly makes us feel inadequate or talks us into putting off goals.  It feeds us lies like you don't have to get up just yet (hit that snooze button 10 times),  go ahead-- watch another hour of TV (Is life better because we "keep up with the Kardashians"?),  stay on the internet just a little bit longer (actually turns into 6 hours of Facebook),  you don't have to exercise because you do house cleaning (that's exercise, right?), or finally the biggest lie:  THE LIE that stops you from being happy (it's whatever lie you tell yourself that makes you give up from reaching your goals.  Please don't rationalize anymore!!  Stop telling yourself that there's time to do it later, or that you aren't good enough to try, or that it's not important.  It's not true. You have time, but you need to make the most of it.  It's never too late to start again.   By giving up, you lose a lot of opportunities that way and you lose moments of happiness.  If we do anything that makes us feel inferior, then we are slacking off and are mistreating ourselves.  The long term result is we dislike ourselves.  This may sound like a pep talk of sorts. Sometimes, we need to be our own cheerleaders and we need to recruit our friends and family to cheer us on through life's ups and downs.  So, the other captain of the Ship of Self-Worth is the Captain of Confidence, it is the voice that tells us not to give up and it makes us feel good about ourselves.  I KNOW that I am not the person that I want to be, but I am working on becoming that person.  The person I want to be is a HAPPY and HEALTHY person.  I want to lose both my emotional baggage and my extra pounds (ok, lots of pounds).  I want the ship of self-worth to stop sinking, I want it to stay on a straight course to happiness.  Maybe I am asking for too much here.  But, I am optimistic that I can be happier if I am true to myself.  I need to heal from my emotional wounds, learn from my mistakes, and be at peace with myself.  

The journey is not over.  Self-worth is important.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.  You can turn your life around by taking small steps everyday towards a happier life.  I joined a gym this week.  That's the step forward to a healthier me.  Now, I just need to follow through and keep going.  Make the changes necessary to improve your life, it will make you happier even if the only difference is that you are smiling and not frowning.  ;)

Love Letters

Sometimes you don't realize that you have it good until you've lost it...and I mean really have lost something valuable and precious.  I think life as a whole is a long journey that we all endure; some choose to have a bad attitude about it and others make due with what has been given to them.  Some people prefer to be solitary, others coupled, and some people swing from one relationship to the next.  I rather spend my life next to someone who loves me and will always love me despite all the flaws and challenges that we face as a couple and as individuals.  But, as many of you know....love is always blissful at the beginning of a relationship, the real challenge is maintaining that love through time.  I think life's challenges can toss us around in the tempestuous waters of unemployment, infertility, and unfulfilled expectations.  But, I always thought that we could ENDURE through it all.  I WISH that my marriage had not ended divorce.  I will always regret this.  I know this will always be a fact with me. 

I came upon some old emails that my Ex wrote me about 10 years ago and I cannot express how they made me feel.  My heart swells.  He DID really love me then.  We did really love each other.  It wasn't a dream or a figment of my imagination...it really did happen.  We were so hopeful.  He was so dedicated to me, he said he would always love me or so he said in 2002.  But, how did it all go so wrong???  I don't know if I will ever have the answer that will be able to console my heart and make me feel okay.  But, it definitely is love lost.  And when the man that I loved for so long stepped out of my life forever...it was like a greek tragedy.  No matter all the good and bad that happened.  I did love him and he broke my heart.  It is sometimes hard to feel whole.  Even though I know I seem well most days, every now and then, I get an inkling of anguish that tugs at my heart strings.  And I ask WHY?  Why did he stop loving me?  What did I do wrong?  Why oh why?  I think the only people who will ever understand how I feel are the ones who have experienced something similar.  In the end, I do understand why the relationship ended.  But, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. He will always have a piece of my heart. But, our relationship ended and I accept the finality of it.  Life continues. And I must move forward into a new life.   

I do know that I can love again.  I've never thought that I could only love one person during my life time.  I mean I had boyfriends before I was married.  I AM a hopeless romantic...and always will be.  But, I am monogamous...I can love only one person at a time.  But, when I love, I truly love.  This might be TMI (too much information), but I think it's okay for me to pour my heart out on my blog, right?  If people didn't write love songs or poems, we wouldn't know how love inspires.  So, I write about my joy and pain of love.  Love is a risk, it's a chance we take on a person that we want to share life with.  I think we are all meant to have a partner.  Some people get broken-hearted and are afraid to try again.  But, we can't sit idle and wait for Mr. Right to show up.  It's a search and rescue mission, sometimes....yes, dating is tedious and sometimes is a battlefield of broken hearts and bruised egos.   But, sometimes, you find that man with a coy, dimpled smile and piercing eyes...and you know...cupid has hit you on target.  Love is a rush, but when cultivated it can blossom into something long, lasting...a reservoir of support, faith, and companionship.  It's knowing that you are there for each other; through and through.  Disagreements occur, the important thing is to know how and be willing to compromise-- to give and take.  But, one thing...that is the HARDEST thing to do...is FORGIVE.  I think so many marriages would be saved if couples could forgive one another and themselves.  I know I am my harshest critic of myself and I'm pretty sure most people are the same way. 

I spoke to my dad tonight on Skype and he said something very insightful, he said he wanted me to find someone who can be "a good provider and a good lover."  My dad is 92 yr old Frenchman....but in summary I think he meant that he just wants me to have a husband who has a strong work ethic and who loves me intensely...and in the end is a good companion for me.  My mom has said something similar to me a few months ago as well.  I know they are right.  It's a gut feeling that is what I need: love and safety.  But, as I continue this period of transition in my life, it has given me some time to reflect on my life and what I need to do to move forward. 

Anyway, I just felt compelled to write this.  I know some of the stumbling blocks that I have had in my life were ones I did not expect to have...like infertility and divorce...never did I think these would be issues I would have to deal with.  I do hope...as I try to work on becoming healthier...that someday in the near future I can marry someone who accepts me with my flaws and with whom I can either have biological and/or adopted children.  That is my dream at the moment.