The Sometimes Sinking Ship of Self Worth

Possibly the hardest thing for me is feeling good about myself.  I know everyone goes through this tug of war of the ego.  Some are better at it than others. These are the people who thrive being in the spotlight.  You know these people.  They always look sharp, put together, and usually have a smile on their face.  They exude confidence like they know what they are doing 100% of the time (actually no, but they are good at hiding anything bad, and are good at handling things under pressure).  These are people who are extremely busy but who look great and who look like they are fulfilled with their lives, appear to be disciplined, seem to have balance in their life (like they probably write lists, have a planner, and even have their free time scheduled-- yeah, these would be organized people).  Then, you have the flipside: some people are sinking ships.  You can spot these people a mile away.  It's all about details. They look defeated; they frown, they look like the world is collapsing on their shoulders.  If we are talking about women, it's usually a woman with no make-up, no real hair style, clothes just slapped on, and not trying to look like anything really.  Think woman in sweat pants, T-shirt, and flip-flops--- this image is screaming a few things like "I don't care," "Don't look at me," "Life sucks", "I have no time for myself," "I feel ugly,"  "No one loves me."  Honestly, you might think that this is just a woman who is too busy....Well... No, that's not necessarily true. This is the image of a woman who is avoiding herself and is battling some inner turmoil.  Lots of people in this position are in denial of what's happening to themselves. 

I remember the year I started gaining a lot of weight.  In 2000, I had been married for a year, I lived in an apartment I loathed that hideous dark wood paneling, I worked at a job that I thought was beneath my intelligence, I couldn't figure out how to get ahead in life without stressing out...a lot.  I was very disappointed in life because it wasn't what I had pictured it to be.  It was too hard!!!  I felt overwhelmed.  I was terrified.  There were a lot of stressors in my life and food was my consolation.  So, that year I ate of lot of pizzas, fast food, cookies, and copious amounts of soda.  My weight ballooned about 30 pounds in less than a year.  I have never since been able to lose it.  But, I do remember my frame of mind during that time in my life...I didn't care about myself.  All my priorities were focused on getting through the day, or the week; because life was the hardest it had ever been for me.  Harder than any semester of college (because college had been fun and carefree in comparison).  I only had hope, faith, and my youth (I was in my 20s)--- these were a few things that kept me afloat throughout my moments of emotional frustration.  But, the real life saver at the time was that I loved my husband very much and that love saved me most days.  Love can help us get through most things.  But, my main problem was myself.  I didn't like who I had become:  a fat, unsuccessful person (or at least that is how I felt). When you dislike yourself, you try avoiding yourself by ignoring your needs. 

By the summer of 2000, I could not fit into any of my pants or jeans.  And like any woman, admitting that she's gone up a size or two is like going to HELL.  It's much much worse when you've entered a size bracket you've never been in before.  It's unknown territory; the wild west of clothing: the PLUS sizes!!  It's kinda like entering one of the levels of Dante's inferno.  Seriously.  You go through major denial and feel extreme embarrassment of having reached this personal failure.  I know this because the summer of 2000 I was in a job where I could dress very casual.  I wore dark green sweatpant cut-offs almost EVERY single day.  Ewww.  Yes, I know it was pathetic.  I actually cut an actual pair of sweats I owned.  I didn't even have the decency (to my co-workers and our clients) or courage (admitting the ugly truth of my weight gain) to buy a new pair of shorts or pants for work.  I couldn't accept that I had gone up two sizes.   The reality was too much to bear.  I avoided people I knew as if I had the plague.  Except my plague was called obesity and I was extremely ashamed of what had happened to me.  No amount of black clothing can hide the fact that you have gained a lot of weight. 

Lately, I have been thinking about my own self-worth, because I realize I have come a long way since the summer of 2000 when I sunk to the pits of self-loathing.  The other day a new friend of mine said, "I've never met anyone who is so blasé about their weight.  You call yourself fat and you are okay with it."  The difference is I've accepted myself and I value my self-worth.  Also, 10+ years have gone by, numerous other life changes have occurred (i.e. divorce, jobs, etc), and being a more established adult:  I don't feel like I'm sinking anymore.  I think it's important for people to care about themselves.  And it's not selfish.  It's healthy to care about yourself.  By giving ourselves some "me" time, we are keeping ourselves sane.  How many people suffer from depresssion, anxiety, or some other stressed mental state??  Too many. In my darkest moments, I nicknamed myself "Gloom and Doom sister."  For those of you who know me personally you will understand what this means.  I remember wearing the darkest, drabbest clothes that could hide me.  I remember going to meetings or events, and sitting in the back or near to the closest exit.  I was avoiding people, but worst of all I was avoiding life.  It was an incredibly hard time for me.  What I needed most were friends and I did the opposite by isolating myself from others.  I won't go into details of what was happening, but you know when you feel like a failure.  You'd rather be invisible to others.  Right now, I have risen above the self-loathing I used to have.  I feel much better about myself and it shows.  People have told me I look happier than before and the ones who knew me from oh-so-long ago say I look more like my old self.  And I haven't lost any weight, I've just rediscovered a very important part of myself.  Welcome back, Self-Worth. 


Each one of us has self-worth, but fear and lies make our self-worth sink.  That's why we are sinking when we have this heavy anchor of fear and self-loathing pulling us down.  The Ship of Self-Worth is manned at the helm by two captains.  When the ship is sinking, the Captain of Lies is steering us into feeling inadequate.  It is that voice in our head that heckles us when motivation is lacking and convincingly makes us feel inadequate or talks us into putting off goals.  It feeds us lies like you don't have to get up just yet (hit that snooze button 10 times),  go ahead-- watch another hour of TV (Is life better because we "keep up with the Kardashians"?),  stay on the internet just a little bit longer (actually turns into 6 hours of Facebook),  you don't have to exercise because you do house cleaning (that's exercise, right?), or finally the biggest lie:  THE LIE that stops you from being happy (it's whatever lie you tell yourself that makes you give up from reaching your goals.  Please don't rationalize anymore!!  Stop telling yourself that there's time to do it later, or that you aren't good enough to try, or that it's not important.  It's not true. You have time, but you need to make the most of it.  It's never too late to start again.   By giving up, you lose a lot of opportunities that way and you lose moments of happiness.  If we do anything that makes us feel inferior, then we are slacking off and are mistreating ourselves.  The long term result is we dislike ourselves.  This may sound like a pep talk of sorts. Sometimes, we need to be our own cheerleaders and we need to recruit our friends and family to cheer us on through life's ups and downs.  So, the other captain of the Ship of Self-Worth is the Captain of Confidence, it is the voice that tells us not to give up and it makes us feel good about ourselves.  I KNOW that I am not the person that I want to be, but I am working on becoming that person.  The person I want to be is a HAPPY and HEALTHY person.  I want to lose both my emotional baggage and my extra pounds (ok, lots of pounds).  I want the ship of self-worth to stop sinking, I want it to stay on a straight course to happiness.  Maybe I am asking for too much here.  But, I am optimistic that I can be happier if I am true to myself.  I need to heal from my emotional wounds, learn from my mistakes, and be at peace with myself.  

The journey is not over.  Self-worth is important.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.  You can turn your life around by taking small steps everyday towards a happier life.  I joined a gym this week.  That's the step forward to a healthier me.  Now, I just need to follow through and keep going.  Make the changes necessary to improve your life, it will make you happier even if the only difference is that you are smiling and not frowning.  ;)

Love Letters

Sometimes you don't realize that you have it good until you've lost it...and I mean really have lost something valuable and precious.  I think life as a whole is a long journey that we all endure; some choose to have a bad attitude about it and others make due with what has been given to them.  Some people prefer to be solitary, others coupled, and some people swing from one relationship to the next.  I rather spend my life next to someone who loves me and will always love me despite all the flaws and challenges that we face as a couple and as individuals.  But, as many of you know....love is always blissful at the beginning of a relationship, the real challenge is maintaining that love through time.  I think life's challenges can toss us around in the tempestuous waters of unemployment, infertility, and unfulfilled expectations.  But, I always thought that we could ENDURE through it all.  I WISH that my marriage had not ended divorce.  I will always regret this.  I know this will always be a fact with me. 

I came upon some old emails that my Ex wrote me about 10 years ago and I cannot express how they made me feel.  My heart swells.  He DID really love me then.  We did really love each other.  It wasn't a dream or a figment of my imagination...it really did happen.  We were so hopeful.  He was so dedicated to me, he said he would always love me or so he said in 2002.  But, how did it all go so wrong???  I don't know if I will ever have the answer that will be able to console my heart and make me feel okay.  But, it definitely is love lost.  And when the man that I loved for so long stepped out of my life forever...it was like a greek tragedy.  No matter all the good and bad that happened.  I did love him and he broke my heart.  It is sometimes hard to feel whole.  Even though I know I seem well most days, every now and then, I get an inkling of anguish that tugs at my heart strings.  And I ask WHY?  Why did he stop loving me?  What did I do wrong?  Why oh why?  I think the only people who will ever understand how I feel are the ones who have experienced something similar.  In the end, I do understand why the relationship ended.  But, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. He will always have a piece of my heart. But, our relationship ended and I accept the finality of it.  Life continues. And I must move forward into a new life.   

I do know that I can love again.  I've never thought that I could only love one person during my life time.  I mean I had boyfriends before I was married.  I AM a hopeless romantic...and always will be.  But, I am monogamous...I can love only one person at a time.  But, when I love, I truly love.  This might be TMI (too much information), but I think it's okay for me to pour my heart out on my blog, right?  If people didn't write love songs or poems, we wouldn't know how love inspires.  So, I write about my joy and pain of love.  Love is a risk, it's a chance we take on a person that we want to share life with.  I think we are all meant to have a partner.  Some people get broken-hearted and are afraid to try again.  But, we can't sit idle and wait for Mr. Right to show up.  It's a search and rescue mission, sometimes....yes, dating is tedious and sometimes is a battlefield of broken hearts and bruised egos.   But, sometimes, you find that man with a coy, dimpled smile and piercing eyes...and you know...cupid has hit you on target.  Love is a rush, but when cultivated it can blossom into something long, lasting...a reservoir of support, faith, and companionship.  It's knowing that you are there for each other; through and through.  Disagreements occur, the important thing is to know how and be willing to compromise-- to give and take.  But, one thing...that is the HARDEST thing to do...is FORGIVE.  I think so many marriages would be saved if couples could forgive one another and themselves.  I know I am my harshest critic of myself and I'm pretty sure most people are the same way. 

I spoke to my dad tonight on Skype and he said something very insightful, he said he wanted me to find someone who can be "a good provider and a good lover."  My dad is 92 yr old Frenchman....but in summary I think he meant that he just wants me to have a husband who has a strong work ethic and who loves me intensely...and in the end is a good companion for me.  My mom has said something similar to me a few months ago as well.  I know they are right.  It's a gut feeling that is what I need: love and safety.  But, as I continue this period of transition in my life, it has given me some time to reflect on my life and what I need to do to move forward. 

Anyway, I just felt compelled to write this.  I know some of the stumbling blocks that I have had in my life were ones I did not expect to have...like infertility and divorce...never did I think these would be issues I would have to deal with.  I do hope...as I try to work on becoming healthier...that someday in the near future I can marry someone who accepts me with my flaws and with whom I can either have biological and/or adopted children.  That is my dream at the moment. 

Reconciling with my Kitchen

I have been thinking about reconciling with my kitchen for a long time.  I'm not one of those people who only uses a microwave to cook with.  I actually enjoy preparing a home cooked meal on the stove top or occasionally in the oven.  I make my signature white rice with a hint of  diced garlic or  bell pepper (depending on what I have on hand).  I also make mouth-watering seasoned pork chops topped with carmelized onions and sauteed mushrooms.  My problem is not with making food.  It's dealing with the little things like meal-planning (I wish I could do it more than a day ahead, my goal is weekly menus) or keeping up with my dishes  (I have a dishwater, but somehow I still have dishes to wash).  I think some of my disdain and frustration towards my kitchen has to come from my tendency to eat comfort foods and my ill-fated good intentions for healthy eating.  While I do have veggies and lettuce in my refrigerator, many times I end up throwing it out because they get spoiled.  One of the things that I have read about having PCOS is that I should eat foods from the low glycemic index which would require me to consume a low carbohydrate diet.   It's hard for me to say adieu to pasta, and rice-- they are easy to eat and make after a long day at work.  I find making salad a chore and not pleasant at all.  But, I think I need to change my attitude towards food and not look at it about making me feel good (hello, fries!), but instead look at the benefits of eating foods good for my body (hi, baby carrots!).  As I get older, I realize the importance of what I put in my mouth and how it affects me (fatigue, weight gain, and other factors).  Also, if I EVER have children, I need to consider...do I want them to grow up healthy or obese?? 

A kitchen is supposed to be the hub of food preparation, food storage, and most specifically a place of nutrition (not a fats & sugar conglomerate-- scheming towards a future of diabetes, high cholesterol, and obesity).  But, I think I've been in denial of dealing with my food choices for a long time--- mainly due to using comfort foods to ease my stress and feeding my emotional distress.  I do enjoy making meals.  So, I think I need to concentrate on preparing healthier dishes for myself and make myself rely less on sugary or fried food temptations.  It is a challenge to change one's way of eating, but it does start with the kitchen.  It's the place of preparation, so this includes having things organized and tidied in a way that makes it easy to live healthy.  Like having the blender ready-to-go for smoothies.  Or having baby carrots ready for snack grazing.  Or having food ready for my lunch at work (instead of sometimes going to the nearby fast food drive-thru).  Eating healthy takes planning, and at first it will be hard to follow through because habits are hard to break, but I HAVE TO DO THIS.  I want to be healthy.  I want to lose all this extra weight that makes me feel tired or not want to move.  I can beat being fat.  I can be fit and healthy.  I CAN DO IT.  I need to believe in me and take it one day at a time, and not let slip-ups deter me.  So, if I indulge in eating fries it's not the end of the world.  I just need to pick myself up off the couch, and reach for the baby carrots in the fridge. 

When I think of the word: reconcilation; I am reminded of what that REALLY means.  I think of forgiveness:  I need to forgive myself of things that make me feel bad about myself and let bygones be bygones.  All my yesterdays are ancient history and all my tomorrows are unwritten and are blank pages waiting to be filled by what I do today.  If I decide to go after my daily goals like doing some minimal exercise, organizing my home, or catching up on a task I've been delaying-- then that is me being productive.  But, if I resign myself to vegging in front of the TV, I am neglecting myself and my goals.  I need to accept my reality.  So, I am divorced and I need to be okay with that.  The vision of my future has been turned upside down and now I'm creating a new landscape of what the "new" future could be for me.  Dealing with my PCOS is something I need to work on more steadfastly since I have neglected it for a long time.  As with any diagnosis, dealing with it can be quite taxing and cumbersome.  I have sometimes had to deal with people who think PCOS is not a real thing, but it is.  It's not just about having irregular periods and unexplained infertility; it's also about how it effects my overall health, how it's harder to lose weight than normal, how some symptoms are more aggravated than others (like thinning hair).  So, I feel I need to reconcile with myself, my body, my diet, and my kitchen.  I know we are our worst critics and as we grow older it's harder to forgive ourselves. But, if we are ever to get "out of a rut" which includes bad eating habits, a sedentary lifestyle, or whining about how life is unfair--- then we need to take the first step towards a new life.  It's never too late.  It's only too late when diabetes takes our life away or when obesity has rendered us homebound, bedridden, and disabled.  I don't want to get that far gone that I can't turn things around.  I still can.  So, I make a choice to do something about it.  Maybe that first step is with reorganizing, cleaning my kitchen, pitching "bad" foods, and stocking up on "good" foods.  It's all about making good choices for a healthier life style.  Take it one step at a time.  Forgive yourself, make a change, and move forward.  Life is about new beginnings and second chances.   Change is possible.  Be stronger than your greatest food temptation.  It's hard, but you can do it.  And so I will try harder this year to conquer my bad food habits and turn them into healthy ones.  I will do this...if not...you can come kick my butt. 

The Elephant in the Mirror

Hair, how I loathe thee.  A woman's hair should be beautiful, but I've been battling this illusion for years.  My hair has been a source of frustation.  For a very long time I've tried to ignore the fact that my hair has been thinning a lot especially in recent years.  I've always had thin hair, aka wispy hair, aka flyaway hair; aka crappy hair.  I've given my hair a lot of nicknames over the years. I've never had full, voluminous hair....yeah, I lost out on having great hair from an early age.  When I was younger, I did all sorts of things to make my hair look fuller:  perms, curlers, curling irons, hair spray, etc.  But, after I hit a certain age, I kind of gave up trying.  I had surrendered and stopped creating the daily illusion that I had fuller hair.  But, you know sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself....you look into the mirror, angle yourself a certain way and you lie:  it doesn't look that bad.  Or you play the blame game:  I'm not losing hair, it's my shampoo's fault.  Yes, the elephant is in the mirror.  I can pay attention to my clothes and make-up, but MY HAIR is a sore subject.  It is evident to anyone that I have a hairloss problem as my see-through dark brown hair has become wispy strands against a white scalp.  Instead of a part line, there is a widening white scalp that resembles a barren terrain where a dying crop of sickly dark hair strands stand atop my crown of flyaway hair.  Ugh. 

So, I'm usually in the IGNORE mode, where I just treat my hair like it doesn't have a problem.  But, sometimes I have a panic moment where I realize that I NEED to do something.  Or rather I should do something.  I usually do some research like reading about remedies to regrow hair or stop the thinning.  I have read about DHT blockers which I will go into later.  But, lately I've been reading about natural home remedies to help regrow hair.  The other day I did this hair treatment cocktail of olive oil, lavender oil, rosemary oil, and castor oil.  I took about 20 drops of each and mixed it in a jar, then I used a dropper to apply to my hair.  I basically marinated my hair with this homemade solution.  I felt very oil and smelled of lavendar (aromatherapy ON me, lol).  But, I went to bed and slept with the solution on my head.   The only thing I noticed the next day was that my hair was smoother and slightly less frizzier on the ends.  Well, I'm going to try to do this 3 times a week and see what happens.  Supposedly I should expect some regrowth. 

Attacking on all sides is my strategy.  I've also started taking some vitamins and herbal supplements that are suppose to help my PCOS symptoms as well as help with regrowing my hair.  Or so, this is the theory.  Wish me luck.  I am open to any other suggestions as well. 

I am a sodaholic....are you?

The bubbly fizz of dark, carbonated liquid known as Diet Pepsi has been my poison.  Literally, I know that soda is bad for me, but it tastes SOOOOO good.  It's my anxiety go-to.  I started drinking it almost obsessively at my first desk job and ever since then it has become my constant companion.   It makes me bloated and gain weight.  I've been told by several people that if I gave up the fizzy,  I could easily drop 20 pounds.  Wow!  That would be amazing.  Why don't I do it?  Well, I've tried a couple of times.  But, I've never been able to find a substitute that would make me kick the craving.  Yes, it's probably the caffeine that I like and not so much the fizz.  The closest I came to kicking my soda addiction was back in 2006, I was able to wean myself down to one 20 fl oz bottle of Diet Pepsi per week for about a month.  But, then I started a new job and the soda intake increased again.  I have tried a few substitutes like water, juice, and flavored drinks.  It could be that I'm addicted to the sugar or whatever ingredient it is that makes me crave Diet Pepsi.  Aspartame, anyone?

We live in a society that demands availability and convenience.  Maybe if modern life allowed for more peace and less stress, people wouldn't have so many addictions. I sometimes think the balance that we want to achieve with eating healthy and drinking healthy is tied in to availability and convenience.  I used to be a huge vending machine junkie...I would hit it up on almost every break whether it was a cookie, candy bar, or chips to snack on and then a soda to guzzle between bites.  If vending machines didn't exist...would I really want to eat or drink something? If I were truly hungry couldn't I just bring something from home?  In theory yes.  But, maybe I just wouldn't feel like I needed to eat or drink anything.  I mean, where did this food/drink dependency come from?  I didn't do this in high school or even college.  So, why now?  I don't know.  It could be that the availability and convenience of vending machines has made me fat???  Oooooh, that seems too easy to blame.  Maybe it's my compulsive, emotional eating that triggers me to get comfort food at any given opportunity.  Ahhh, perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with how I view food.  Food and drink are my emotional consolers.  Chocolate or salty snacks only promise a 10 second enjoyment and then the pangs for something to satisfy are still there.  I think I just need to address the fact I'm just not dealing appropriately with my emotional hang-ups. 

Addiction.  Everyone has one;  a compulsive urge to eat, drink, smoke, squeeze, or whatever something.  Mine is soda.  And yet with this post I'm not trying to say it's good or bad...I'm just saying what I know to be true:  I'm addicted to soda, because I can't give it up cold turkey.  I WISH it were as easy as saying NO or just stopping. It's not, it is hard.   I think giving up indulgences takes a diligent, conscious effort to say to ourselves: I DON'T NEED it (name the addiction) to feel good.  I CAN be functional.  It's hard to change bad habits.  They die hard.  It's like a smudge; an addiction is really hard to remove and once removed, the surface is never the same again--- sometimes ruined or damaged, but not the same as before.  So, if I'm addicted to soda...the temptation will always be there.  But, I can fight it.  I feel I have to.  I owe to my FUTURE self to kick the soda habit. 

The lineup of drinks I choose from these days:  uncaffeinated Diet Pepsi, bottled water, flavored drink, and wheatgrass aloe juice.  Now, this is my effort to wean off soda.  It's maybe not the best line of attack, but I think it's best to at least keep hydrated (drink H20) and consume some vitamins & antioxidants (wheatgrass aloe drink & flavored drink).  And at the same time cut out the caffeine by drinking the uncaffeinated version of my favorite drink, Diet Pepsi.   It's my strategy at the moment.  But, obviously not a cure-all.  Good luck to you on overcoming your own addiction.  We owe it to ourselves to becoming healthy especially as we get older.  No one ever said it was easy being healthy. 

Back from the Abyss

Life can be a jumble box of emotions. Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with my feelings so I stuff them in a dark corner of my heart.  But, unfortunately the "stuff" fills my heart up until it is too much to bear and then I just "have to" express myself to someone or someplace (i.e. facebook, or blogging).  I neglected blogging for a long while simply because life became too overwhelming to deal with and talking about it with other people was too difficult. Even writing about how I felt and what was going on...meant facing the truth...but honestly it was easier to be in denial of my own reality which was very dark and hopeless.  In the meantime, several "failures" happened in my life.  One of them being my marriage which was something I had worked very hard to save, but could not.  I suppose when anyone goes through a very stressful time...it can take you over the edge emotionally.  Goals like dieting and exercising become after thoughts. So, the outcome should be no surprise.  I gained weight, he lost a lot of weight.  He eventually wanted out of the marriage.  I tried to win him back even though I was miserable with him and had been miserable for years. Sometimes we don't want to admit when some things hurt us...whether it's relationships, food, or jobs.  But, when it's bad, it's really bad. 

You know a relationship is terminal when you see the end coming.  It's like seeing a car crash in slow motion, you know you are going to crash because you've lost control of your car.  That was me in the driver's seat, the marriage was going to crash, very slowly, but still hard.   The dismantling of my marriage was a slow and agonizing emotional process, but when I finally accepted the ugly truth it was amidst a loud argument where the words suddenly expelled from me.  I remember not even knowing where the words came from, but I said it...I want you gone.  It was a clear message and my heart knew it was the right thing to say.  It was the truth I had rejected accepting it because it had been too horrible to utter and here I was yelling it out. We both stood in silence and then he asked back whether I meant it...I nodded and said yes, I want you to leave.   It was then that I knew that our relationship had finally expired from its long term illness of resentment, disappointment, and frustration.  We as spouses had exhausted every recourse of love and forgiveness.  Instead-- emptiness, despair, and loneliness seperated us at every attempt at redeeming our lackluster relationship.  We could blame factors x,y,and z that attributed to the demise of our marriage, but the truth is I'm sure we both could only see a dark avenue ahead of us as a couple.  When the future is that bleak, the only thing you can do is let go.  If you ever really loved that person, it's best to let him go-- no matter how much it breaks your heart.  I let him go even though it pained me very much.  Frankly, getting divorced felt like a death sentence.  It took a little over a year for our marriage to be stripped apart until a brittle shell remained and quickly imploded.  In a matter of few weeks, we split up and divorce proceedings swiftly followed without protest.    In the eye of the storm, I oddly felt at peace, but I know that God was guiding me through the tempestuous waters of leaving my marriage behind, letting go of the man I had suffered though in love and years of trying to make things work. 

I remember the day he left, it was drizzling and dark outside at 5am.  It was surreal that the day of his departure from our married life had arrived.  I thought I might have a meltdown of sorts-- you know hot tears running down my cheeks and a last plea for him to stay.  But, instead my heart had resigned such behavior and I was rather emotionless.  I drove him to the airport so he could get what he wanted: escape from our life together.  I suppose I had loved him so much that I gave him this last indulgence.  It was an extremely hard thing for me to do.  And thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to do it.  But, he was my heart for so many years and my heart truly bleeds because I was not able to help him with his problems.  Many people say I should receive sainthood for my devoted patience.  But, despite all the frustration that I endured with him....I wish someone could have told me how to really help my husband.  I wanted to save him.  I wanted to save us. Our dreams died the day he left.  A piece of my heart will always be with him.  Now, I need to make room for new love.  Love that has hope, peace, and courage.  Love that will help me go forth with every day that lies ahead.  Now, I have to re-envision what my life will be.  Starting over is hard, but not impossible. 

I have returned from the dark depths of the abyss.  Life's most difficult moments require courage, faith, and hope--- sometimes it takes every last ounce of mental energy to get yourself out of the darkness and into the light.  In the light of day after the torment has passed, you can finally be able to see clearly and realize that it's possible to rebuild your life and that not all is lost.  You can walk away from a bad situation with some dignity left and be able to build a better, stronger you.  That's my hope for 2013 to work on being a better me...this is why it is so important for me to tackle this issue of losing weight, so I can feel better about me and not let food be an emotional crutch that I lean on.  I want to feel stronger and not feel so tired.   I'm in my 30s, but sometimes I huff and puff after a little bit of physical exertion like lifting boxes.  I'm too young to feel so weak.  If I am ever to have children whether they are biological or adopted-- I want to have the strength to play with them and not sit idly by just watching.  If I want to have a long life ahead of me, I need to take better care of myself.  My current lifestyle of being sedentary and eating poorly has left me weak physically.  In addition, for many years I couldn't stand taking pictures of myself or going out in certain social situations because I felt too fat.  It's not fair to me to keep living so unhappily like this.  So, I'm facing the mountain of changes that I will need to do in order to feel better about myself and finally take charge of the life I really want to live:  a happy one.  I deserve to be happier.  Life-- gimme a break, already!   

That old feeling....

"My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug -- maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, `There's my old friend.' It will always be a part of me ...."
(Barbara Eck Menning, 1977)

I found this quote a while back...I can't remember what I was searching for online but it was probably related to infertility since Barbara Eck Menning is noted for some book she wrote in the 1970s about this very topic that makes my heart ache.  Sometimes, I think I won't let small things get me down...like news of someone expecting  a baby or news of baby being born.  I am truly happy for these ladies and their families.  But, I can't help but feel sad for me and my condition that has so far prevented me from having the babies I so desire.  Lately, it seems I've been feeling kinda of down...because of it. 

I sometimes feel like time is flying by so fast.  I don't know how to be happy without thinking "if only"...I am filled with regrets and I wish I could somehow turn back the clock and be more proactive about being healthy and taking control of my PCOS.  I still remember that day in the doctor's office when he told me the diagnosis of PCOS....and that I couldn't have babies.  But, you know...that's not entirely true....since that day 8 years ago...I have since gone to doctors who have told me I *can* get pregnant but with medical assistance...aka medicine and/or medical procedures.  But, that old feeling creeps in from time to time when my heart aches for a baby and I think about how unfair it all seems. 

It's so hard to start...

I find the hardest thing is to START and stay consistent.  I keep thinking that the only way I can truly change is by STICKING to the plan.  I think this has to be more about a lifestyle change and not a quick fix to my health problems.  There's a great objective here:  Being healthy to have a baby.  My PCOS cannot be cured, but at least I can reduce the severity of some my symptoms and this will improve my chances. 

I've always been a little overweight and I've only had a few times in my life that I could call myself skinny.  This would be: the summer I was 18 and the year I was 21---the only times I was actually slim.  After I got married I gained a lot of weight...like 50 lbs in a 2 yr span.  I would say some of it was wishful thinking that the extra pounds could mean "pregnancy", but this was really naive of me.  My comfort "eating" was just me being stressed.  So, the weight kept piling on...an average of 10 lbs a year.  The only time I had some significant weight loss was...wow...I think it was 7 years ago when I lost 15 lbs after a regimen of running 3 times a week and juicing a few times a week.  So, any time I have ever lost significant weight it has been with a combo of diet change and exercise increase. 

I did some necessary changes to my daily schedule, so I have more time to concentrate on priorities....one of them being my health.  So, today I went for a 40 min walk and ate an apple.  That's my effort for today...hope to repeat tomorrow. Let this be this be the beginning of sticking to the plan!!! 

The gyno and GNC

I went to the gyno back in July...this was visit #2 and she did an ultrasound on me to take a better look at my ovaries.  She said my uterus looked good and only one of my ovaries looked kind of abnormal.  It had an unusual mass to it.  After some testing it was determined that the  ovary's cystic mass was benign, so nothing to be scared about.  I was supposed to go visit the Dr. again at the end of August, but because of my change in employment I was not covered by insurance at the time. So, I've not rescheduled and really I just don't know when I will.  I get pretty stressed out this time of year with school (my grad studies).  So, I will more than likely postpone an appointment till December or January when there's more time.  It's not good that I postpone these appointments, especially since the one I missed was about putting me on meds for my PCOS.  I was on Metformin back in 2007 and 2008, but then I stopped taking it after my prescription ran out.  You would think filling a prescription wouldn't be so difficult for me.  But, between changing jobs and changing insurance companies-- I found it discouraging to try to fix in another appointment just to get a refill.  I also felt discouraged about other things in my life and this made me not care about keeping up with my meds.

I know I have problems with my female plumbing... The Dr. talked about doing some minor surgery in the near future: drilling into my ovaries in order to jumpstart ovulation.  I don't really like the idea of any sort of surgery ...even though doctors can put on a plastic smile and tell you that this the best course of action.  I have to admit that I am skeptical about doing such a surgery...for me it's a last resort.  I rather try meds or even changing my diet if that can be just as effective.  The doctor said doing this surgery would make me ovulate for awhile...but then eventually they'd have to do it again.  So, is that a good thing?  I really don't want to mess with my inside plumbing and possibly make it worse.  There's always resorting to taking The Pill,  to make me ovulate...but The Pill is a catch-22.  It'll make me ovulate, but I won't be able to get pregnant if I'm on it.

I went to GNC (you know that health store in the mall) in late August and I wanted to buy some Wheatgrass pills or juice...I had read online that Wheatgrass has many restorative health attributes...some of them being to treat infertility, fatigue, and improve your overall vitality.  So, I was excited about trying Wheatgrass, but the GNC store didn't have a specific product that was just Wheatgrass...they had some variations.  The GNC lady I talked to, tried selling me some Probiotic products and told me the importance of detoxing and taking vitamins.  She was really big taking vitamin D.  Well, I figure I probably need to really detox...but I wasn't about to buy something blindly without doing research to see if it was worth the money and if it was something that would help me.  I suppose in the quest for health, there are two camps that people pursue: medical or natural (or quasi-natural). I realize its either doctors or health store salesman,  but both are peddling meds of different sorts...on one hand you have doctors eager to prescribe any pharmeceutical to you or you have health store salesmen trying to entice you into purchasing vitamins, elixirs, or some other combo detox package.  It's hard to know what's right.  I really want to try alternative medicine...something non-toxic and natural that will actually heal me.  I don't need a chemical cocktail to temporarily mask my symptoms and give me false hope on the baby frontier.

As for the pursuit of Wheatgrass and its miraculous powers, it's on a shelf of my "To do" list of things to do.  So, in other words...it'll be awhile before I look into again.  You see, I'm pursuing other things at the moment....trying to juggle work and school.  Unfortunately, "health" is taking a backseat, but it's always on my mind.

Try, try, try again

Hi, well...I'm not really consistent with blogging.  But, I really wanted to get back to this...my blog.  I've renamed it "Pursuing Clear Obvious Skies"  simply because I'm poetic and I didn't want this blog to always feel the weight of those intials: PCOS.  I want to talk about the ups and downs of dealing with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  But, I also want it to chronicle how it affects my life and how & what I'm doing to pursue those dreams of mine.  Those dreams of being a mom which I think are still attainable but which will include a tremendous amount of discipline and luck for me to change my health habits and be more proactive about it. 

I feel I need peace from this overwhelming, constricting feeling that I feel everyday....Regret, regret, regret.  There are things I cannot change...mainly the past.  But, my future is yet unwritten and dreams can become a reality only if I pursue them diligently and faithfully.  What does this mean?  It means I need to buckle down...and truly diet and exercise per my condition.  Limit eating carbs... oh, how I love my potatoes!  But, instead indulge in veggies I do like: crisp cucumbers and delicious tomatoes. 

I've read tons of books about PCOS, dieting, and infertility and they all seem to tell me the same thing.  But, what they don't address is: emotional eating (aka comfort foods), limited budgets (I can't buy the multitude of ingredients for lavish "skinny" salads), and isolation (lack of a buddy system).  I am seeking a circle of support, but a more personalized one.  I feeling the blogosphere is where it's at in terms of a more personalized and genuine interaction.  Yes, I know about a few great websites such as : http://www.soulcysters.com/ and http://www.pcoschallenge.com/ .  Even though, I can read a lot about what others go through in their coping of PCOS on these online forums, I want my own voice in my own space.  I want to be heard...I want to write down my thoughts much like journal entries.  I want there to be a record of MY experience as part of this select group of women who have PCOS.  This is Elisa's experience ---> Pursuing Clear Obvious Skies.  Because, doesn't everyone want a sunny outlook on life...that's obvious. 

Many of us pursue the neat package: love, marriage, children.  But, unfortunately life is not so straightforward...many of us encounter detours, "road construction", and misleading ramps off the highway of life.  I believe we all try to get back on that fast track to our dreams...but some give up hope, while others try, try, try again.