Back from the Abyss

Life can be a jumble box of emotions. Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with my feelings so I stuff them in a dark corner of my heart.  But, unfortunately the "stuff" fills my heart up until it is too much to bear and then I just "have to" express myself to someone or someplace (i.e. facebook, or blogging).  I neglected blogging for a long while simply because life became too overwhelming to deal with and talking about it with other people was too difficult. Even writing about how I felt and what was going on...meant facing the truth...but honestly it was easier to be in denial of my own reality which was very dark and hopeless.  In the meantime, several "failures" happened in my life.  One of them being my marriage which was something I had worked very hard to save, but could not.  I suppose when anyone goes through a very stressful time...it can take you over the edge emotionally.  Goals like dieting and exercising become after thoughts. So, the outcome should be no surprise.  I gained weight, he lost a lot of weight.  He eventually wanted out of the marriage.  I tried to win him back even though I was miserable with him and had been miserable for years. Sometimes we don't want to admit when some things hurt us...whether it's relationships, food, or jobs.  But, when it's bad, it's really bad. 

You know a relationship is terminal when you see the end coming.  It's like seeing a car crash in slow motion, you know you are going to crash because you've lost control of your car.  That was me in the driver's seat, the marriage was going to crash, very slowly, but still hard.   The dismantling of my marriage was a slow and agonizing emotional process, but when I finally accepted the ugly truth it was amidst a loud argument where the words suddenly expelled from me.  I remember not even knowing where the words came from, but I said it...I want you gone.  It was a clear message and my heart knew it was the right thing to say.  It was the truth I had rejected accepting it because it had been too horrible to utter and here I was yelling it out. We both stood in silence and then he asked back whether I meant it...I nodded and said yes, I want you to leave.   It was then that I knew that our relationship had finally expired from its long term illness of resentment, disappointment, and frustration.  We as spouses had exhausted every recourse of love and forgiveness.  Instead-- emptiness, despair, and loneliness seperated us at every attempt at redeeming our lackluster relationship.  We could blame factors x,y,and z that attributed to the demise of our marriage, but the truth is I'm sure we both could only see a dark avenue ahead of us as a couple.  When the future is that bleak, the only thing you can do is let go.  If you ever really loved that person, it's best to let him go-- no matter how much it breaks your heart.  I let him go even though it pained me very much.  Frankly, getting divorced felt like a death sentence.  It took a little over a year for our marriage to be stripped apart until a brittle shell remained and quickly imploded.  In a matter of few weeks, we split up and divorce proceedings swiftly followed without protest.    In the eye of the storm, I oddly felt at peace, but I know that God was guiding me through the tempestuous waters of leaving my marriage behind, letting go of the man I had suffered though in love and years of trying to make things work. 

I remember the day he left, it was drizzling and dark outside at 5am.  It was surreal that the day of his departure from our married life had arrived.  I thought I might have a meltdown of sorts-- you know hot tears running down my cheeks and a last plea for him to stay.  But, instead my heart had resigned such behavior and I was rather emotionless.  I drove him to the airport so he could get what he wanted: escape from our life together.  I suppose I had loved him so much that I gave him this last indulgence.  It was an extremely hard thing for me to do.  And thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to do it.  But, he was my heart for so many years and my heart truly bleeds because I was not able to help him with his problems.  Many people say I should receive sainthood for my devoted patience.  But, despite all the frustration that I endured with him....I wish someone could have told me how to really help my husband.  I wanted to save him.  I wanted to save us. Our dreams died the day he left.  A piece of my heart will always be with him.  Now, I need to make room for new love.  Love that has hope, peace, and courage.  Love that will help me go forth with every day that lies ahead.  Now, I have to re-envision what my life will be.  Starting over is hard, but not impossible. 

I have returned from the dark depths of the abyss.  Life's most difficult moments require courage, faith, and hope--- sometimes it takes every last ounce of mental energy to get yourself out of the darkness and into the light.  In the light of day after the torment has passed, you can finally be able to see clearly and realize that it's possible to rebuild your life and that not all is lost.  You can walk away from a bad situation with some dignity left and be able to build a better, stronger you.  That's my hope for 2013 to work on being a better me...this is why it is so important for me to tackle this issue of losing weight, so I can feel better about me and not let food be an emotional crutch that I lean on.  I want to feel stronger and not feel so tired.   I'm in my 30s, but sometimes I huff and puff after a little bit of physical exertion like lifting boxes.  I'm too young to feel so weak.  If I am ever to have children whether they are biological or adopted-- I want to have the strength to play with them and not sit idly by just watching.  If I want to have a long life ahead of me, I need to take better care of myself.  My current lifestyle of being sedentary and eating poorly has left me weak physically.  In addition, for many years I couldn't stand taking pictures of myself or going out in certain social situations because I felt too fat.  It's not fair to me to keep living so unhappily like this.  So, I'm facing the mountain of changes that I will need to do in order to feel better about myself and finally take charge of the life I really want to live:  a happy one.  I deserve to be happier.  Life-- gimme a break, already!